Robot Chicken: Boba Fett Three Ways!
by TheInhibitor
Summary: Explore the many and varied poetical musings of the most verbose character in the Star Wars trilogy: Boba Fett!


**ANNOUNCER:** "It's the new hit show on Coruscant's public access channel number 17: "Boba Fett Three Ways!" Watch interstellar bounty hunter Boba Fett as he navigates life's never-ending panoply of complicated social situations using one of only three phrases! Will it be — "

_[Cut to Boba Fett, facing camera.]_

**ANNOUNCER**: "Phrase number one?"

**BOBA FETT:** "As you wish."

**ANNOUNCER:** "Phrase number two?"

**BOBA FETT:** "He's no good to me dead."

**ANNOUNCER:** "Or phrase number three?"

**BOBA FETT:** "What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me."

**ANNOUNCER:** "What will Boba Fett say while he's — "

_[Cut to city street, Boba Fett is standing outside building. Woman with packages inside building beckons Boba Fett through glass door.]_

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Out and about in the big city!"

**WOMAN:** "Hey, could you please hold the door open for me?"

**BOBA FETT:** _[opening door]_ "As you wish."

**WOMAN:** "Why, thank you!"

_[Woman walks through doorway. Once on the sidewalk, pedestrian bumps into her, causing her to drop all her packages. Pedestrian doesn't stop or apologize.]_

**WOMAN:** "Oh, God dammit! _[yelling at pedestrian]_ I wish you were dead!"

_[Boba Fett pulls out his laser rifle and disintegrates the pedestrian.]_

**BOBA FETT:** _[turning to Woman]_ "As you wish."

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Spending time with the ladies!"

_[Cut to another city street scene. Boba Fett and Woman are walking her dog. The dog is horking up on the sidewalk.]_

**WOMAN:** "Awwww, my doggie is sick. Be a good boyfriend and take him to the vet for me?"

**BOBA FETT:** _[grumbles reluctantly]_

**WOMAN:** "Aw, come on, just take him to the vet and make him all better. _[intones tantalizingly]_ I'll make it worth your while."

_[Cut to veterinarians office. Veterinarian and Boba Fett stand next to exam table. Dog is on exam table next to large puddle of doggie hork.]_

**VETERINARIAN:** "I'm afraid he needs some fairly serious and expensive surgery, Mr. Fett."

**BOBA FETT:** "What if he doesn't survive? He's worth A LOT to me."

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Settling into a life of dull suburban anguish!"

_[Cut to messy living room of suburban home. Boba Fett and Woman are now clearly married.]_

**WOMAN:** "Well, I don't CARE what your plans were this weekend, I'M going to a bachelorette party. And while I'm out, you better CLEAR all this crap off the floor, get RID of the garbage, CLEAN up the yard, and KEEP my parents out of my hair while they're in town!" _[marches off toward front door]_

**BOBA FETT:** _[defeated]_ "As you wish."

**WOMAN:** _[whirls around just before she exits, points at him]_ "And NO disintegrations!"

**BOBA FETT:** _[tensing up and muttering resentfully]_ "Grrnng as you wish!"

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Sleeping in on a Saturday morning!"

_[Cut to bedroom of suburban home. Boba Fett is lying in bed. Door to bathroom opens, and Woman walks into bedroom.]_

**WOMAN:** _[holding up pregnancy test to light through window]_ "Oh, God dammit, I'm pregnant again! I am gonna find out which one of you keeps knocking me up, process-of-elimination style! _[pointing at Boba Fett]_ Which means YOU are getting a vasectomy."

**BOBA FETT:** _[sighs]_ "As you wish."

_[Door to bedroom opens, and baby Wampa, baby Greedo, and baby Bantha rush in.]_

**KIDS:** "Mommy! Daddy! Can we have pancakes for breakfast?"

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Learning about his upcoming vasectomy!"

_[Cut to doctor's exam room, with Boba Fett in boxers, wifebeater, and helmet, sitting on exam table, facing doctor.]_

**BOBA FETT:** _[looks down at crotch, then up at doctor]_ "He's no good to me dead."

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Or, learning about his upcoming vasectomy!"

_[Cut to same exam room again, with Boba Fett in boxers, wifebeater, and helmet, sitting on exam table, facing doctor.]_

**BOBA FETT:** _[looks down at crotch, then up at doctor]_ "What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me."

**ANNOUNCER:** " — Or appearing on his favorite television show!"

_[Cut to game show, Boba Fett stands between Game Show Host and a large Bantha wearing an elaborate codpiece.]_

**GAME SHOW HOST:** "And, for the grand prize of $100 million dollars, choose between telling us he's perfectly good to you dead or he's not worth a lot to you. Otherwise, we'll just let this Bantha violate you for several hours!"

**BOBA FETT:** _[drops shoulders, sighs]_ "Ohhh, as you wish."

_[Boba Fett and Bantha walk offstage together.]_

**GAME SHOW HOST:** "Great choice! That's all from the Make A Wish Foundation Game Show for tonight, folks!"

**ANNOUNCER:** "Why, you never can tell what will Boba Fett say in any number of life's everyday scenarios!"

_[Cut to blonde peasant girl, Buttercup, dismounting horse at medieval farm. Soothing violins-and-guitar music plays in the background.]_

**BUTTERCUP:** "Farm boy! Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

_[Cut to Boba Fett, dressed as Westly from The Princess Bride. He's wearing a dashing blonde wig on his helmet.]_

**BOBA FETT:** "As you wish."

_[Cut to front of peasant farm, where Boba Fett is chopping wood. Buttercup walks up to him with two buckets.]_

**BUTTERCUP:** "Farm boy! Fill these with water. _[pauses as their gazes meet]_ Please."

**BOBA FETT:** "As you wish."

_[Cut to interior of farmhouse, where Buttercup is standing at a workbench. Boba Fett enters.]_

**BUTTERCUP:** "Farm boy! _[motioning to pitcher hanging just above her]_ Fetch me that pitcher."

_[Boba Fett walks next to her, takes down the pitcher and hands it to her.]_

**BOBA FETT:** _[whispers]_ "As you wish."

_[Cut to Buttercup and Boba Fett mashing and French kissing in the sunset, which basically means Buttercup is tonguing his helmet.]_

_[Cut to Director and Producers in screening room, evaluating Boba Fett's audition.]_

**PRODUCER 1:** "Oh, he's GOOD."

**PRODUCER 2:** "He's VERY good."

**DIRECTOR:** "Yeah, but for some reason, he can't read ANY OTHER line in the script."

**PRODUCER 1:** "Really? Oh, well, that's too bad. We'll just make him a stunt double for Cary Elwes."

_[Cut to top of verdant hillside, where Boba Fett and Buttercup are standing. Boba Fett is dressed as The Dread Pirate Roberts, with a black mask tied around his helmet.]_

**BUTTERCUP:** _[standing behind Boba Fett]_ "YOU can die, too, for all I care!"

_[Buttercup pushes Boba Fett down the hillside.]_

**BOBA FETT:** _[tumbling uncontrollably down hillside]_ "As you wi - _[crashes into rock]_ Ough! _[keeps tumbling down]_ As you - _[crashes into another rock]_ Waagh! _[keeps tumbling down]_ As y - _[crashes into yet another rock]_ Errgh!"

_[Cut to Director and Producers on set during filming of hillside scene.]_

**DIRECTOR:** "Nope, that one was no good, either. We still didn't get the line. Let's do it again. Scene four, take 17!"

**PRODUCER 1:** _[incredulous]_ "Take 17?! He can't take much more!"

**DIRECTOR:** "Oh, he can do a few more takes."

**PRODUCER 1:** _[exasperated]_ "What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to us!"

**PRODUCER 2:** _[insistent]_ "He's no good to us dead!"

_[Cut to Robot Chicken editorial meeting.]_

**MATTHEW SENREICH:** "Wait, doesn't Boba Fett have FOUR quotes in 'The Empire Strikes Back'?"

**SETH GREEN:** "Yeah. Yeah! He says, 'Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold' as he's about to leave Cloud City on Bespin."

**DOUGLAS GOLDSTEIN:** "Mm, we should really figure out a way to work that fourth quote into this skit."

**TOM ROOT:** _[standing, yelling in disgust]_ "God dammit, how many times have I told you: THREE is funny! FOUR is bookkeeping! You F*&KING space nerds!"

_[END SCENE.]_


End file.
